Her

As I lay here (needing to be asleep), there is something on my mind: her. Our friendship. What I want. What I’m ashamed of. What I’ve done. How she has felt/feels. I did the very thing to her that I fear. Why?

Well, that would be a question for my therapist, right? Yes, but also for me. Why? That’s a big question in this life: WHY? In my last blog, I wrote that I wrote a letter to my best friend; I mailed it on Sunday night (thanks, mom, for the stamp!). I hope, if she reads that blog, she wonders if she will get that letter. And the answer is yes.

I’m terrified I won’t get what I truly desire: companionship.

I’ve pushed somebody away that genuinely cares. Why? Because I’ve been left so many times before?

Let me tell you what I want. I want to be best friends with her. I want to trust her with everything I have. I want her to forgive me. I want her to learn to trust me. I want to hug her so bad and just cry. If she only knew the pain I was going through, how I felt. I wish she could just hold me and tell me she wasn’t leaving me and she loved me and it would all be okay.

As I lay here, a tear rolls down the left side of my nose. I wonder if she has shed a tear for me or our friendship.

On a side note, I have pushed a lot of people away in a way. And I have lost a lot of people in these few short months. Some my doing, some not.

I want her to know all about me and vice versa. I don’t want us to be over. I don’t want to loose her. I don’t want to add her name to the roll call of people I’ve lost. A best friend I lost 9 years ago still has a little bit of that place in my heart. I still love her dearly. It’s sad. But beautiful. Isn’t that why we’re scared of attachment? Vulnerability?

She is so special to me. And I can’t believe I’ve done the things I’ve done to her.

Often times, I test people. I guess I try to see if they really do love me. It’s not okay, but it’s the truth. But, I’ve noticed, after that step is over, I’m Gucci.

My love button is broken.

People may think that I trust so easily. That’s true to a point. I really hardly ever let somebody in in.

I really can’t tell you what I’d give to have a hug from her right now. For her to rescue me in a sense. But I’m a coward. And don’t want to reach out. Well, it’s not that I don’t want to. It’s just with my mental health right now, I’m not 100% Anna and I guess I need rescuing.

I need to be closer to God, but I don’t know how to get past all this anger I have inside. The anger at God for “doing this to me.” The terrible loneliness that I experienced the other night; that feeling of drowning. There’s just venom spewing out of me, hatefulness. Bitterness. Jealousy. Meanness. Grief. Also- my phone just corrected grief to “fried.” Interesting.

I want our friendship to last forever, I truly do. And I hope I haven’t f*cked it up like I have times before.

God gave me you. But like most of the time, I f*cked it up. And I’m sorry. Please don’t leave me.

I love you, K. Come back to me.
<3 A